I haven’t blogged for most of the year but I have been art journalling… And while each page has been an adventure in learning and I’ve been growing, I also know something has been missing. I’ve felt it for a long time but couldn’t put it into words. It was feeling first level. Like I was floating on the surface of a lake, right near the shore.
But I’m craving swimming out to the deep and diving under.
Swimming deep with the beams of sunlight illuminating my way. Wrapping myself around the roots of submerged branches. Seeing if I can hold my breath long enough to touch the bottom.
I’ve craved having my own style and personal symbology from the first moment I fell back into creativity as an adult. But the craving has turned into an ache in the last year or so. I’ve been working really hard to figure out what that means for me. The fog of confusion and searching and longing has begun to make way for clarity and depth and connection to my creative mind. The hurt and jealousy of art friends who had already found their signature style has made way for feeling like I am part of a connected sisterhood. That we are all exploring the same path, seeking and making in an authentic way. Once you get even a tiny glimpse of it; of your work feeling bound in truth; you can’t go back.
I can’t just make pretty things anymore.
As this started to happen, other things began to happen too. The distractions began to disappear. I know what media I want to play with, so I no longer crowd my art space with the latest products that never get opened. I’m not distracted by the latest online class all my friends are taking. I don’t replicate popular images because I can hear my inner voice saying that is not who I am. And I am pulling away from my teachers to go exploring. To explore all the things that are calling to me. Suddenly there are so many things calling to me. And every one of them feel so true to who I am.
And all this has tumbled over into the rest of my life too. Trivial friendships and acquaintances have been allowed to just fall away. I have stripped back my social media so only the “oh yes” images and people remain. My day job has become a momentary distraction until I can come back to my truth. I am choosing making and writing over vacuous TV. I am putting myself and what I want first instead of last. I’m practicing bravery to step out of my comfort zone for amazing soul fulfilling experiences.
All this from taking a step out into the deep end of creativity.
It can be scary to go on this adventure. What if I don’t find what I’m looking for? What if it’s not out there? What if it doesn’t exist? But what I found was so much more than I could have expected. It is soul fulfilling to the point I feel like I am overflowing. I am feeling pure bliss so often I think I might be glowing some days. I feel like I am finding a deeper meaning. To art, yes. But also to creative living in the every day. To how I spend my time. To what I let be of importance. That is such a special lesson that has come from this. One I really needed.
I couldn’t have possibly imagined all this beautiful unfolding when I first began to swim out into the deep. When I chose to dive under.
Here’s to bravery. To having the courage to dive deep. And to the unfolding that comes from it.